- Getting started
I started to set up a mind map with a quite broad field, interests and entry points. I feel they are connected in one way or another, some connection are not (yet) clearly defined. However I feel to have this multilayered smorgasbord will come in handy once I advance into the research. My hope is that I will be able to connect some dots, emphasize and dig deeper into some and disregard others for the course of the research.
With the backdrop of my interests, I decided to focus on vulnerability for the period of the two week residency in Vencie. It seems like the focal point of my interest so far. I started working with this term in the very first essay in HOP “TENDER TROUBLE On avoiding and (re)claiming the vulnerable body” In this process I discovered the work of Erinn C. Gilson “The Ethics of Vulnerability” (2014) Gilson argues vulnerability is an “openness […] to being affected and affecting in ways that one cannot control.” It is, “the basis for learning and for empathy, connection, and community, and that only by being vulnerable can one extend oneself beyond oneself.” Yet she points out that vulnerability often carries a negative connotation, that there is an “implicit understanding of vulnerability that equates it with liability to injury, weakness, dependency, powerlessness, incapacity, deficiency, and passivity.” Living in a patriarchal, capitalist society “where the ability to predict and control is valued, the inability to do so is perceived as a failing and thus to be avoided at all costs. […]The ideal of invulnerability is an oppressive one because it ties vulnerability to those people, social positions, and qualities that are deemed inferior, devaluing those positioned as ‘lower’ or less capable.”
I was immediately drawn to this definition of vulnerability, so I choose to work with it and explore it more.
Coming to Venice we were asked to write starting points for our PaR:
I chose:
– read theory
– continuing research mind map
– prepare questions and conduct interviews with peers
– creating a list of performative actions that include vulnerability (alone, two people and for group)
– journaling, every evening, “When and why did I feel vulnerable today?”
– poetic writing
THEORY
I was sure I first needed to read much more in order to start a practice. But through talks with peers and tutors I understood that I actually already have quite a lot theoretical knowledge and -knowing myself- it is just a matter of decision to jump into some studio time. So I left theory aside for a moment to open space for intuition, which is a big part of my art making process and -thinking of the research- for connections and possibilities to be influenced and affected by others.
ONE ON ONE SESSIONS – MAKING MY RESEARCH VULNERBLE
Doing a research about vulnerability and thinking about methods made me realize that the research itself should not so much be in control by itself, but also practicing vulnerability within the method. So I decided to have sessions with my peers. What I first called interviews I later named one on one sessions. Initially I wanted to just prepare some questions, but after a talk with my tutor, the importance of establishing connection and trust in order to be vulnerable showed. So here is what I did:
practice: one on one peer sessions/interviews
before: caring for the person, they should have capacity to do it, I am responsible for finding a good spot, making it comfy, cater to their needs. I need to have capacity as well.
Exercise
10 min
eye gazing
mouth not closed
ca. 5 min
draw, write of what you just experienced
Doing this exercise I felt a contradictory moment arise, which continued later on a bigger scale. Being the researcher/facilitator mostly means having everything under control. In the exercise I feel I need to hold the space for the other, show them I am there for them, be strong. So I don’t really feel that I am vulnerable. On a bigger scale: how can I immerse myself into being vulnerable and at the same time carry out the research?
Talk
What does vulnerability mean for you?
Is vulnerability something you avoid? If yes, how?
Is vulnerability something you invite at times? If yes, when, in what situations? And how?
Describe a situation where you felt very/most vulnerable?
– in which area of life is it located?
– were power dynamics involved. How?
On a scale 0-5 how vulnerable did you feel during the exercise?
On a scale 0-5 how vulnerable did you feel in the described situation?
On a scale 0-5 how vulnerable did you feel during our talk?
If you reflect on it, how did you navigate this talk to feel less/or more vulnerable?
I try to carry out the talk, like a conversation, I ask the questions, but sometimes change it slightly to react onto what has been said. I ask a lot of follow up question and try to stay open as much as possible to hear where the conversation is going.
The rating works very well so far. It gives me some “measurable” insight. I feel it’s good to make them think about the parameters of their vulnerability. Interestingly the rating for the conversation itself is very low. I believe it’s is because of the trust that was established, by the conversation beforehand, but more so by the relation we have been building over time since we know each other.
The ratings so far:
gaze exercise
4
2, at times 4
1
the told experience
5
5
5
in the talk
1
1-2
0-1
I audio recorded the sessions, I have verbal consent from all of them to use it in my research, with the implication that they can withdraw their consent anytime. It is anonymized, as I am not interested in who said exactly what, but more in getting a grasp of different experiences and view points. For the drawing/notes they made, I left it up to them either to gift it to me and the research or to keep it for themselves. So far every one of my generous peers entrusted it to me.
In the conversations I am struggling with the use of definition of vulnerability. I want to use Gilson’s definition, but in the talks it mostly about the traditional definition, being open to harm or being harmed. I am wondering if another wording could be useful? Maybe leaving out the word itself, but referring to it as being affected by others (or affected others) without being in control. I might rework the questions for the next sets of session.
VULNERABILITY JOURNAL
For around a week I am writing my vulnerability journal ,answering “When and why did I feel vulnerable today?” Every night before I go to sleep, I write some moments of the day when I felt vulnerable and reflect on it. Within the first days I realized the same things I did in the interviews, that I myself mostly refer to the moments of ‘negative’ experience. After a talk with Steef about it, they encouraged me to also look at the “positive” moments of eg connection. So again, I think in order to go deeper, I need to rephrase my own prompt for this journal.
“When and why did you feel affected by others or did you affect others without you being in control?”
I might still discuss the phrasing with others.
PERFORMATIVE ACTIONS
I gathered some ideas of performative actions (one, two and group) just to have potential starting points for studio practice. Most of them I haven’t used, some stood out, some are concrete, some are broad keywords:
– “trust game” in a circle, one person is caught, held upright by the others
– Gravity
– melting towards the floor in suspended time
– melting down on another body
– hand hold with someone, one leans back and down
– “clap – once at a time” each clap triggers a fall to the ground and standing up again
– something with skin deformation
– small action – reaction: unconscious actions by the audience trigger action from the performer
2. Performing each other’s Research
The task: team up with someone whose work is far from your own, talk about your topics and interests and then make a performance based on the other’s research. 15 min prep time, then perform it at the same time. I teamed up with Daniel.
What I chose to do:
His research is about creating imagery collectively through story telling. I gathered a bunch of different objects and let the audience place them in front of me. As a performer I would physically react to them. so we would create different images together.
What Daniel chose to do:
His performance was calling his das and had a conversation in Hebrew, they were also singing. He later sent me a photo of his dad during the conversation (the mum took it) lying on the sofa. I embrace this photo so much, as it conveys in some way vulnerability or me. It also made me think if image making would be an interesting practice form me (in general, but especially for this topic), though at the moment, it seems a lot to learn, as I haven’t been in touch with this skill at all. I will keep the thought in the back of my head and see if at any point it comes back in.
The photo of dad and the video of the performance are archived.
In case I will engage more into image making: theory: Susan Sonntag: On Photography, ,violence of taking someone’s image. ‘On Women’
- Negative connoted Words
During this week I came across several words that are negatively connoted within society, but are actually not, at least not for me. Next to the big definition struggle with VULNERABILITY, the meaning of MANIPULATE, was discussed. Funny enough, I talked with Steef about it, and it came back in class, as I used it in a neutral way, but people were opposed to it. Manipulating in its original form (manus: hand) is handling something, influencing. Though in society it has this negative connotation of controlling, of doing this unfairly, dishonestly to one’s advantage. Another discussion of the group was about HIERARCHY. I know it plays a part in this research, I yet don’t know exactly in what way. This expression also has this bad aftertaste, because society is connecting hierarchy to abuse of power, whereas I see it as a chance. Hierarchy is always in place, so believe it is good to be aware of it in order to deal with it in an ethical/useful way. Steef recommended a text about this topic, that they will send. I am very interested.
I was thinking a lot about terminology and why reclaiming certain words seems important to me. Why not just choosing another term if it’s so hard to rethink the existing one? I was talking about it in my tutorial with Steef, we came to the conclusion that probably it’s exactly this tension that makes it interesting. It brings the friction, vulnerability brings the risk of being hurt, being rejected, harmed and it brings the risk of being loved, finding connection. It is a liminal space. Personally, I feel this abject sensation of fascination towards it, like with melancholia, that something can be so beautiful and so scary and risky and harsh at the same time.
Theory recommendation: Dufourmantelle: “In Praise of Rist”
- QUESTION: IS VULNERABILITY INCREASING WITH CONNECTION?
or do we actually feel more vulnerable with less connection? - LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE TRIGGERS OR EXPRESSIONS OF VULNERABILITY
Informed by myself, talks with peers, theory I was reading and listening to.
– (societal) expectation
– embarrassment
– exposure
– shame
– scarcity
– loneliness
– attention
– vulnerable by not being vulnerable
What elements are at play that cause these operations (shame, exposure etc)? How can they be transformed into a ‘positive vulnerability?
Next task: write a list of positive operations within vulnerability? how can I connect them to the negatives?
– sensuality
– laughter
– connection
– community
– trust
tbc
How can through performance the performer/the audience loose control and be okay with it?
- CONTRADICTION: PERFORMER IN CONTROL – LOOSING CONTROL
A similar contradiction about the mentioned vulnerable researcher, can be said about the vulnerable performer. A performer needs to be in control (at least to a certain extent).
Task: research work from Abel Azcona and Carolina Biancchi – both taking substances on stage to be handled by audience respective other performers.
Following those works the ultimate vulnerability is being unconscious – and it carries both possibilities, the “good” and the “bad”. In the tutorial we spoke about those “positive” and “negative” outcomes of vulnerability. While I have reservations to think in this binary way, it might be helpful scaffold for now to construct the further research. A scaffold that I want to take away at some point to make space for ambiguity and the in-between.
- POSSIBILITY OF THE GOOD AND THE BAD
So how to create a performance the has the risk or possibility for falling on either the good and the bad side? Or what is the most positive outcome?
What are actions that can have both outcomes?
Mostly when I think of performing vulnerability I go towards the direction that there is only a negative outcome. In the tutorial we spoke about it being more theatrical, dramatical, so there is a natural pull towards it. Like the example Steef pointed out: hanging on a trapeze 20m in the air, there is only the risk of falling, there is no positive outcome (besides not dying). So moving on, creating research performances I will have this dual possibility in mind.
So how to create a performance the has the risk or possibility for falling on either the good and the bad side? Or what is the most positive outcome?
What are actions that can have both outcomes?
Mostly when I think of performing vulnerability I go towards the direction that there is only a negative outcome. In the tutorial we spoke about it being more theatrical, dramatical, so there is a natural pull towards it. Like the example Steef pointed out: hanging on a trapeze 20m in the air, there is only the risk of falling, there is no positive outcome (besides not dying). So moving on, creating research performances I will have this dual possibility in mind.
- CONTRADICTION: MAKER (AS PERFORMER) IN CONTROL
On a meta level I encountered another contradiction that as the maker, how vulnerable the state is I am setting myself as a performer up to do, it is always me creating that space, ergo I have some control over it, or at least the audience assumes that it is like that.
Side idea: I could use others as performers to avoid this.
- PERFORMATIVE (DOCUMENTATION) WALK
For a group session we were taking a walk together, no talking, thinking of our research, using different documenting techniques. for me it ended up to be an inspirational stroll.
Many ideas came up:
– I was reflecting on “being affected” eg. by the grass when taking my shoes off. I am affected in that moment, being at risk by stepping into something unwanted, but also by having the sensation of grass under my feet and the joy that comes with it. But does that count as being vulnerable? Maybe to a certain extent. But the stakes are quite low, so maybe there is something in how high the stakes are to differ between being affected (on a small scale) and the (perceived) bigger term of being vulnerable.
– before the walk I was listening to the beginning of Brené Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability” she refers to the core of vulnerability as shame and connects it to scarcity – not being enough, not being something enough. I felt that in the walk, at least at the beginning and added it to my list of vulnerability keywords.
– DANDELION
I found a fading dandelion. I connected immediately, as this is such a fragile state, but it is on purpose in order spread the seeds around. I took a close up video trying to hold the flower very still. This wasn’t possible at all, so I ended up with a shaking video. The shaking was on my mind for some time anyway, so I found a connection there.
- TREMBLING
Trembling seems to play a deeper role in my practice and this research.
From my personal experience it is connected to the epileptic seizure I had in September 2025. Medically this is still on mind at the moment, and up in the air as doctors are figuring out what the exact diagnose is and if it should be medicated or not. Because of memory loss I can’t remember the seizure, but it’s stored in body.
The other experience with shaking took place in the class of Andrea Pagnes when we did the “Poetic Trembling – Political Tremor” exercise in January 2026. We did two rounds, the first one in the studio, I focused more on the “outside” shake. For the second we were in the general, semipublic area of the university. I remember I was quite tired then. I focus more on an inner shake, contracting muscles. I very soon started crying. Staying with this sensation of shaking and crying for some time I feel I entered a state of high vulnerability, I was aware of every small sound in this big space I was in, every draft of air, every movement happening around me. I could feel all of that entering my body, no borders, no selection was happening. Towards the end, the group gravitated towards me, someone started humming, we came closer and closer and ended in a humming group hug. Seeing the first essay as a theoretical start of this research, this experience marks start of practice in the research. (Archive: pic of notebook)
I decided to engage with shaking for the first showing in this residency. Using as a way to destabilize the core, which is a loss of control. I experimented it in a way that I am starting the with small muscle contraction, that evolve itself to uncontrolled shivers, trembles, eventually crying. This way I do consciously control the beginning of it but after some time it becomes independent, out of my control.
- SINGING
The use of voice, literally and figuratively, is a topic that I started exploring already some years ago. First as a necessity working in theatre contexts, later as part of my own research (evolving from a more executing role as a dancer into a maker and also from a silent, non-speaking stage body to roles that require speaking/use of text). All of this comes with exposure and therefor being vulnerable, plus there is a dual risk for either a “good” or “bad” outcome. Due to a contract with a big theater in Vienna I am continuously working with speech coach Steffi Hofer. She helped me to understand voice as something that needs relaxation, clear channels in order to come out. In a way this connects for me to the research as when working on voice technique there is a huge part of letting go of control in order to succeed, including tension in the eyes and jaw.
As singing or the use of voice always felt and still feels vulnerable to me I wanted to bring it to the first experiment.
- OPEN MOUTH
In the due exercise with the gaze, as well as in performing I use a slightly (naturally) open mouth/ relaxed jaw. This stems from my training in dance as well as from techniques from acting and speech techniques I was engaging. The thought behind these techniques is to not cut the channel after you say something but leave it open to ‘let the audience see you’. I think that is a powerful and essential tool within this research.
- FIRST PERFORMANCE EXPERIMENT AND FEEDBACK
I have set up a space with a note that the audience can behave freely, even engage with the performer. I was standing in the middle, engaging in trembling some time before they entered, to be already in a certain state, bare legs, with a t-shirt. On one side I had my eplilepsy emergency spray an display, together with my open laptop, which showed a close-up video of the shaking dandelion. In my shaking state I undressed, only panties remaining. I instructed two women of the audience members to also undress their chest, when they feel like. When everyone settled in I already felt a crying impulse. I had a small bluetooth speaker next to me and my phone and started the music: ‘O Solitude’ by Henry Purcell. I had it on medium volume. I was singing with it, so my voice was heard above the music playing. I intentionally didn’t learn the lyrics. I guess my aim was to make myself as vulnerable as possible and see what happens. One person soon started to cry, we cried together. One person stood and was shaking with me, someone singing along.
I tried to make the feedback also part of the experience, so stayed half naked for the whole time. First I asked them to rate how much they thought or felt I was vulnerable by writing numbers from 0 to 5 on my body. After that we had a talk about it:
– difference between how vulnerable I was perceived and how vulnerable I felt
– the one-to-one talk earlier in the week touched a person (they connected it to the performance)
– the shared gaze as a bridge into me, vulnerability through gaze
– gaze as an instrument to draw from the audience (and vice versa)
– a lot of layers were shown and how to connect into the performance (spray, video, shaking) -> depending on how much a person knows me, different entry points
– reflection of audience body in performer’s body -> feeling of vulnerability with cultural background, insecurity with the own body
– male body in a situation of liberation of naked body, “Am I as invited in the situation with a female body?”
– vulnerability came to the gaze, not through the nakedness
– vulnerability through voice, moments when voice break
– singing, music was also soothing – good balance
– strong memory of seizure, as someone was there when it happened to me in September
– vulnerability of the medication (what if it is applied when not needed) – dangerous side! maybe someone would apply it in the performance
Then I proposed the gaze exercise to them for 7 min. After that they had time to draw/write on paper about it.
– moment of tearing
– wanted to hug the other person
– excessive expression comes very silently into face and across
For the final section I chose the gossip round, again as a tool of letting go of control and being vulnerable. I made a drawing while they were speaking.
– they were talking about the instructed audience taking the shirts off -> feeling communal energy, through gaze and shared nakedness
– performing setting prohibited action that might have been done (with the invitation to behave how they feel. there was a clear island for the performer, an island for the objects. so the intention of eg holding the performer’s hand wasn’t carried out.
PLUS not to disturb the experiences for others. maybe if it was a one-to-one or longer performance it would have happened
– feeling of being strongly in the picture (as a shared experience) this opened up possibility to act or react
– someone wanted to escape to another side, but the gaze drew them back in, caught them back -> powerful moment
– invitation of how the audience behaves: there are still rules in the space, but it’s a gesture to open space
– sensitivity in the air trough presence, from the moment of entering it unpacked itself (invitation, gaze, voice, objects)
– length plays a role (can open a space to go deeper into topics
– feeling as an intruder, there was something happening before the audience entered, which they don’t know what and then pulled in
- GAZE
The gaze seems to be an essential operation in this work. It builds connection instantly, which is what I strive for in my work. I was using the gaze already in the one-on-one exercises, and the feedback of my first performance experiment had also a big focus on the gaze and how it drew the audience in and opened up spaces. Clearly this will stay one of my primary dramaturgical operations.
- WHALE – A SPONANOUS PERFORMANCE EXPERIMENT
I had an interesting experience that I deliberately evolved into a spontaneous performance experiment: I was sitting in the attic of the residency space and was working on my computer. Downstairs was the kitchen and the communal area where my peers were cooking and hanging out. I stopped working and checked Instagram for a bit when I saw the news about a humpback whale stranded at the German coast, that it will probably die, which takes weeks for a whale. Funny enough some days ago I unrelatedly read about what it means for the eco system when a whale dies, about the stages the corpse goes through and how it feeds into the ecosystem for hundreds of years. However, when I read the news I instantly broke out in tears. Probably because I was in a sensitive state, as I intensively engaged with the topic of vulnerability for a week by then. I was thinking if I should cry alone in the atttic or rather go down an see what happens, share my emotions with my peers. So I did. I stood in the middle of the room, crying, they immediately came to me and asked. I felt I needed to state that it was an action induced by my research and then told them about the whale. They hugged, held the space with or for me, one person had also tears in their eyes. Basically it was beautiful moment, maybe a bit awkward, as it was somehow part of the work.
This is what I wrote in my notes:
Crying alone in the attic.
I decide to go down. I know I will be held.
I cry more. We have a communal moment. Someone cries with me.
Hugs.
Attention.
Being vulnerable puts responsibility on others
Being vulnerable in this world can be dangerous thing. So many bad, negative things are happening.
I’m crying for the dying whale. They just couldn’t safe him.
We need protection in some way. How much?
The topic of RESPONSIBLITY emerged from this experience. How much, when and in what spaces can we allow ourselves by being vulnerable to put the responsibility of care on others? Or when is the risk too high to not experience care but neglect, maybe abandonment?
- THE OPEN CHANNEL
My working definition of vulnerability I chose in the beginning is the “openness […] to being affected and affecting in ways that one cannot control.” (Gilson) After the whale performance I talked with my peers the image of an open channel came up. Like a big river flowing two ways from the outside to my inside and from my inside to the outside.
My notes:
Thinking of an open channel.
Things from the outside are flooded in
Things from the inside are flooded out.
No restriction.
Do we need a border control?
That seems contradictory as it is ‘control’, which is the opposite of being vulnerable.
But where is the agency in that?
I was somewhat glad that the notion of AGENCY emerged. I am negotiating this topic a lot in my work and thoughts so far, so discovering it in this research is a feeling of dots that were connected.
Other images that arose from this open channel:
– a lagoon, where sea and fresh water are mixing in together
– the meeting points of two oceans, where the salt content are so different the water doesn’t mix and it’s basically a clear cut line between the two oceans
In a talk I had the image of how to think about agency or the ‘border control’ If we wanna have the open channel as a kind of default, there needs to be something that monitors. If I’m a lagoon, maybe a sensor is needed that signals when some poison is swept into me…
- THE WHALE AND THE DANDELION
With the image of the dandelion from the walk and the whale experience, another two points connected for me. The massive whale, being vulnerable to its condition and the delicate withering flower that needs to spread its seeds.
water and air
big and small
Through their vulnerability the cause different effects and reactions. One needs to be vulnerable in order to spread the seeds, so it’s part of the dandelion’s reproduction. One through being vulnerable sparked a massive political discussion, brought people together to help and might in the end survive (against the prediction I read at first, the news keep changing)
I felt “The Whale and the Dandelion” can be a good title. In the spirit of my research and the attempt of staying open and let others affect it I asked two of my peers for artistic contributions created with their artistic practice. I gave them just this title (and of course in the back of their heads they know what topic I was engaging with). Romana Klementis created a pocked size installation. Daniel Delman wrote a story.
Some days later I told Daniel, that the whale does actually have a chance to survive. He started to laugh a lot, which evolved into crying… I felt this was a POSITIVE vulnerable moment – for the whale and for Daniel.
- ROPE
A small studio experiment, as I have been working with ropes in the past and I feel there could be a connection to the topic. I didn’t necessarily like it, as I felt it was more an image, a representation of something than an experiment. I realized that I am interested in ‘real’ vulnerability in my body and mind, than finding actions or images that represent it.
Looking at the video documentation now, I found it interesting that the action of collecting in the rope is much faster than spreading it. That is an interesting metaphor, thinking of the vulnerability channel and the challenges one is facing when opening up to the outside. I believe the action could be pushed further to go beyond representation, bigger amount of rope, going towards overload. But for now that’s not my path, I keep it in the archive, might come back to it later.